#85: Coyote Ugly

The Bar

Coyote Ugly. 501 E 6th St, Austin, TX 78701

Visited 6/10/17 @ 9pm.

The Drink

Gin and tonic. $6.

Asking a Coyote Ugly bartender what drink best represents the bar is a risky proposition, one of those bets that's almost all downside. The answer could be a warm Michelob Ultra at best to a $20 body shot at worst, and though I have so far been firmly dedicated to the principle of Dealer's Choice, only a fool stands on principle at Coyote Ugly, especially on a Saturday night, when ordering at the bar is basically reenacting that "Jim, Jack, Johnny Red, Johnny Black, and Jose; all my favorite men. You can have it any way you like it, as long as it's in a shot glass" scene from the movie. I declined to endure the farce of custom drink negotiations and just ordered my go-to. A gin and tonic is nearly impossible to ruin, making it the perfect port in the storm of a weekend rush. This wasn't a great $6 G&T, a watery, over-iced, sub-well quality concoction of disappointment in a plastic cup, but as a way to get us in and out in the shortest amount of time possible, it was worth every penny and then some.

The Crew

Travis, Hannah, Aaron.

Notes

No matter what city you're in, a Coyote Ugly is almost guaranteed to be the worst bar in town. What makes it so bad? Much like Bikini's, it targets an inherently unsatisfying market niche that combines the worst qualities of both a bar and a strip club without the upsides of either. For the bargoers, you get hammered-drunk out-of-town patrons and overpriced drinks; for the strip club aficionados, you don't get nudity but you do get blaring music and depressingly lame body shots, and you can even throw in the special kind of forced are-we-having-fun-yet desperate titillation of a Hooters or Twin Peaks. Even the mechanical bull at Trophy Room seems better in comparison, and in terms of bars with movie ties, Coyote Ugly is no Cheers, or Cocktails and Dreams - it's not even a Paddy's Pub. Can you tell I don't like this place?

In Coyote Ugly's defense, it's probably not literally the worst bar in town. There weren't any bugs in my whiskey like at 311 Club, or bugs crawling around on the bar like I've seen at The 04 Lounge, or any bugs at all actually. The sight of drunk girls dancing on a bar should raise a smile on the face of just about anyone - young or old, man or woman - and I imagine on a less crowded night you might actually get a chance to talk to the girls ("coyotes") and enjoy a more personalized experience. On a crowded night though, it's just a well-executed version of a lousy concept that somehow remains in business thanks to people who don't know or don't want any better, plus lame completionists like me. What a sobering thought - the idea of your own complicity in the very spectacle that you're decrying. Best to shelve those disquieting notions and move onto the next bar as quickly as possible, which we did.